@swedishsweets99

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

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@jwoodham

[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.

@Marlebean

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

@LarrysTwin99

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

@JElvisWeinstein

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

@InternetHippo

me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl

@WildeThingy

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

@sammyrhodes

Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.

@Sarcasmo718

I’d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@TheLesbianTwin

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!