@swedishsweets99

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

You Might Also Like

@jordan_stratton

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

@ashleycrem

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

@josePhDhoran

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

@_mindflakes

We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”

@thinkingparsnip

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

@lancshotlot

Just accidentally combined “chew the fat” with “shoot the shit”. I won’t spoil the surprise but neither have a good outcome.

@noogscorner

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.