Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

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You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.


I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.


Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around


WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen


We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”


elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”


*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*


Just accidentally combined “chew the fat” with “shoot the shit”. I won’t spoil the surprise but neither have a good outcome.


Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.