Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

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[Dumbledore gets hit with Avada Kedavra]
HOUSE MD: I think he had lupus.


Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ


Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant


People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.


me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl


I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.


Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.


I’d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.


He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.


a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!