Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
You Might Also Like
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
i baked you a cake
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“OMGJK” -atheists
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.