@CopBroughtPizza

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

You Might Also Like

@autumnsays_

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

@daemonic3

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

@Marlebean

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

@nnnatchos

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

@adamgreattweet

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

@robots_feel

interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@ConanOBrien

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

@Parker_Simpson

I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo

@DirtyySouthMess

Me: Talk dirty to me

Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early

M: God yes

H: I won’t set an alarm

M: Don’t stop!

@Jenny4ashley

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?