I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
cow: where does milk come from?
milk man: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
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[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
interviewer: how are you with excel
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo
Me: Talk dirty to me
Him: I’m gonna get you in the sheets and we’re going to bed early
M: God yes
H: I won’t set an alarm
M: Don’t stop!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?