7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
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Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
this could fix me
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus