COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

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Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.


him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.


The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.


I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’


It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.


If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.


BARISTA: can i get a name?

ME: sure. you look like a Tiffany

BARISTA: no i mean a name for the order

ME: oh! we’ll call this “the most important order of the day”


I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”


“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”


me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.