COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

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i go to a lot of married ladies’ funerals and play the part of an upset lover just to mix things up and for free shrimp


I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.


I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.


*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.


Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends


*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*


Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born


My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.