*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
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ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.