Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.