If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.