Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them