@ghostkrogh

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

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@tomcashgent

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

@JesKeepSwimming

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

@HelenMaryMe2

Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*

@GuyBreakup

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

@WheelTod

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

@ayisi_yaw

#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married

@TommyKarate

My relationship status is a Taylor Swift song just waiting to happen.