My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
An apology, to my wife:
I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game
The five year old
‘Yippee Ki Yay’
I did not think.
Finished the phrase.
And now he knows
A new word.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids
“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves
Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?
Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*
Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”