@murrman5

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

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@Sickayduh

Good cop: We got you red-handed!

Weatherman cop: Well there’s a 70% chance of guilt but I’d go ahead and make weekend plans

@rancheroni

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

@Dawn_M_

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

@lilgapeach32

I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity if she’d been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.

@SvnSxty

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

@ProBirdRights

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

@weinerdog4life

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@TuffyNyC

I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.

@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise