coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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Mountain Goat : )
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”