coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

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Good cop: We got you red-handed!

Weatherman cop: Well there’s a 70% chance of guilt but I’d go ahead and make weekend plans


[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though


Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.


I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity if she’d been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.


In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh


I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.


Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost


I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.


I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.


HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise