coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator