Coworker: Are those Chinos?

Me: No. These are my pants.


Me: Who steals pants?

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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.


When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.


“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!


“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.


I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.


I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker


Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]


Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.


jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world


Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.