{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]