@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Are those Chinos?

Me: No. These are my pants.

Coworker…

Me: Who steals pants?

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@dave_cactus

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

@Brianmbunde

When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.

Life is fair, people are not.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

@TheTweetOfGod

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

@KalvinMacleod

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

@PrisonCookies

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

@ShortSleeveSuit

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

@AnOrangeSNES

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

@MaybePileJokes

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

@JediGigi

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.