My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.