Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
how high up are we talkin’?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt