@AndyAsAdjective

COWORKER: big weekend plans?

ME: fulfilling the blood prophecy…you?

CW: what?

M: what?

CW: did you say-

M: neighborhood barbecue, yes

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@_sleepysmile

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.

@Darlainky

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

@bellicosejason

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

@Gupton68

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

@PaperWash

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

@RodLacroix

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

@PoshTick

wife: would you like a glass of water?

me: a glass of what?

wife: water

me: try again. a glass of what?

wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?

@KarenKilgariff

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much