People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.
COWORKER: big weekend plans?
ME: fulfilling the blood prophecy…you?
CW: did you say-
M: neighborhood barbecue, yes
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Child: What about-
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
wife: would you like a glass of water?
me: a glass of what?
me: try again. a glass of what?
wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much