Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

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A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.


I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it


[staff meeting]

PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?

[Jim slowly raises his hand]


[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*


I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.


I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.


Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while