Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
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shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Yes my dude
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?