A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
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I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it
PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it?
[Jim slowly raises his hand]
…it’s on the house 😉
[at the club]
Her: C’mon, lets dance!
Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*
SAVAGE AF LMAOOOOOO
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while