Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Time heals everything 🙂
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.