Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
You Might Also Like
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband