Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
my retirement plan is braless
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
This is enough internet for the day.