@iinkedZombie

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

- @iinkedZombie

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@nayele18maybe

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

@House_Feminist

[at the library checking out a book]

[at the library sending a book a drink on me as I wink at it across the bar]

[at the library introducing myself to a book asking if it comes here often]

@Ryncasaurus

“You’re an alcoholic.”

I prefer the term ‘bar-barian’

@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@AristotlesNZ

Cop: You know your license’s expired?
Me: Didnt even know it was sick.
Cop: Haha!
Me: HAHA!
Cop: Hehe..
Me: Eheh..
Cop: Step out of the car.

@ShittyComedian

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

@pharmasean

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

@aka_fatman

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

@ItsAllBollocks

Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye