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@iinkedZombie: Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
@KKenuz: my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
@WorkingMom86: I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
@novicefather: Past employers have described me as "selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart."
@Lord_Voldemort7: Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you'll never know which side he's on.
@Reverend_Scott: salesman: you'll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before