Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.