coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
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therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.