picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Coworker: Did you spank your sons?
Me: Not a lot
Coworker: What about your wife?
Me: Yes, I spanked her all the time
You Might Also Like
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Siri, who’s in my trunk?
GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”