there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
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[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.