Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.