@XplodingUnicorn

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

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@jlock17

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

@Marlebean

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

@weinerdog4life

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

@BonaFideIntent

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

@bornmiserable

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

@ShellHasNoName

Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses

@kyry5

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

@jellybnbonanza

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.