@heiditron3000

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

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@thesulk

Pizza Hut ad: “Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?” Think about these words.

@MissHavisham

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

@CarolinaSong

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

@chrissyteigen

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

@NickAmadeus

Every Ryan Gosling movie is about what would happen if a really weird guy was also incredibly attractive.

@junejuly12

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

@TweetPotato314

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

@1Badasspoolboy

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

@shkeeber

Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Making carrets!

Mom: Carrots?

Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*

Cat: *yowls*