You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
You Might Also Like
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.
“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.