@heiditron3000

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

You Might Also Like

@ilovepie84

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

@junejuly12

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

@Spaziotwat

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

@VerbsRProudest

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.

@ianpauldukes

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

@ginnyhogan_

I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.

@jwoodham

“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.