Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Twitter fine art
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed