Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?

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Pizza Hut ad: “Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?” Think about these words.


Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall


I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks


If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!


Every Ryan Gosling movie is about what would happen if a really weird guy was also incredibly attractive.


Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.


[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest


How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.


Me: *puts ferret in box with cat*

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Making carrets!

Mom: Carrots?

Me: Yup! *plays Barry White*

Cat: *yowls*