@IamEveryDayPpl

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

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@DannyZuker

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

@jwoodham

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

@uncle_fescue

Seriously how much of Krypton fell to earth and how do bad guys keep finding it? You’re Superman, handle your shit. This ain’t a game, dawg.

@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

@nerdamage

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

@3sunzzz

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

@Glove_Monkey

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.