Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
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Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do
He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
It’s fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year