Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
who wants to go expliring
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable