Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
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(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect