you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Thanks to a fan for this one.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way