The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
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When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
happy valentine’s day to me
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead