COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
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outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.