Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he’s going to the clinic for a ‘work related’ injury.
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I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Gf:Do u love me?
Gf:Why do u love me?
Me:You’re the best.
Gf:I’m the best at what?
Gf: Like what?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
Buzzfeed: 9 Ways to Know You’re Dating a Real Woman and Not a Burrito
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never