No quarantine has all five:
– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
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New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich
*girl at the end of the bar winks at me
*I wink back
*she pouts at me
*I pout back
Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.