@Rollmaninoz

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

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@hollyshortall

No quarantine has all five:

– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– pasta
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi

@peachesanscream

New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.

@WarrenHolstein

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

@pleatedjeans

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

@FilthyRichmond

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

@RodLacroix

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

@zachreinert03

Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich

@drinksmcgee

*girl at the end of the bar winks at me

*I wink back

*she pouts at me

*I pout back

*she drools

Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!

@nnnatchos

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.