*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
You Might Also Like
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?