A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
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What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]