cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Coworker: GOOD MORNING!
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
wanna feel old? this is eminem now:
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past week.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and