@Shingaboop

Coworker: GOOD MORNING!

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee

Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee

Me: Exactly

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

@robin_991

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

@murrman5

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

@evilistheheart

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

@AbbyHasIssues

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past week.

@ericsshadow

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

@callie_cakes

PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.

@KayRants

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

@blade_funner

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and