My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
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Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus: who likes fish
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
How to scare burglars off….
First put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger.
Second put a cat litter box in your hall and shit in it.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.