Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
You Might Also Like
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
bias laundering edition
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.