Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I ate everything, including the H.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken