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@JVarsityCaptain: Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
@Horrorsc0pes: The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
@Bexdora: INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning...you look good...
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
@utofellatio: Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?
@FemmeEnFeu: I'm a mother and even I don't understand how a woman can go through hours of painful labor and give birth to a healthy baby boy just to name him Guy.
@iwearaonesie: me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, "Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish"?
wife: Go to sleep