Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
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My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
A roof is a house hat.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it