Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
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My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
are they though??
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.