Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Coworker: Guess what day it is?
CW: Guess what day it is?
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?
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My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
genie: i shall grant you three wishes
me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what