@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?

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@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

@Kateness8

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

@junejuly12

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

@TheWeirdWorld

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

@JohnLyonTweets

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

@c12h22o11balls

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

@LlamaInaTux

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

@rocketreturn

genie: i shall grant you three wishes

me: i wish for a world without lawyers

genie: done, you have no more wishes

me: but you said three

genie: sue me

@nyquills

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what