Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

- @T_Bonezzz_

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As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.


When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.


“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins


My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.


My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.


Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.


Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.


If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.


England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.


2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.