Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@KalvinMacleod

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

@LurkAtHomeMom

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

@mommajessiec

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

@Sorrowscopes

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

@JimmerThatisAll

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

@random6691

If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.

@tylerschmall

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

@MattMcC1

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.