@T_Bonezzz_
@RajatSaysItAll
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
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@RajatSaysItAll
@ComedicBust
[during a plane crash]
Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN
Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?
@notorious_stars
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
@BuckyIsotope
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
@squirrel74wkgn
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
@Jacksawyerr
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
@causticbob
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
@KalvinMacleod
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
@Home_Halfway
Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.
@lmegordon
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.