@T_Bonezzz_

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

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@RajatSaysItAll

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

@ComedicBust

[during a plane crash]

Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN

Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?

@notorious_stars

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

@BuckyIsotope

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

@Jacksawyerr

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

@causticbob

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

@KalvinMacleod

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

@Home_Halfway

Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.

@lmegordon

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.