“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
You Might Also Like
[during a plane crash]
Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN
Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.