Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Guys, I found it.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?