When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
You Might Also Like
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.