@GrantTanaka

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

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@ojedge

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

@sixfootcandy

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

@SuperApple80

Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.

@Phook75

If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!

@bobvulfov

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

@liv_thatsme

Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.

@UncleDuke1969

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

@BackrowSeats

Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.

@jonnysun

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

@ehdannyboy

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]