@GrantTanaka

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

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@SladeWentworth

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

@sushimonsterc

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

@blade_funner

You people and your Duck Tales. I was raised on real cartoons about nosy hippies in a sketchy van who were so high they thought their dog could talk.

@KeetRidley

“Hey, your fly’s down”

Oh shit..

*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings

@TheWidowmakerX

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

@iwearaonesie

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

@Lexactly

The problem with seducing someone via text, is you sometimes end up wrapping your warm moth, or mother around his troubling clock

@Iwriteforcats

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

@aligarchy

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.