COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

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[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.


I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out


Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich


[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it


Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213


[portal opens]


gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary


Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.


Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.