@momjeansplease

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

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@DrakeGatsby

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

@torieannesalt

I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out

@bornmiserable

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

@PetrickSara

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

@stuckinaportal

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

@Eagle_Vision

Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.

@AntozWolf

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.