COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…