COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
scenes of unspeakable carnage
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
this is the greatest thing ever
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.