COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe


Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.


This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.


According to the $53 I just spent on Uber eats, I’m a family of 4.



Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*


you’re on step fourteen of sixteen assembling the couch. alas, you used the wrong screw on step three. to rectify this, you must disassemble not only the couch, but your entire house, atom by atom, and reassemble it perfectly to both ikea’s and god’s specifications.


friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times


Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*


jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done