Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
#Caturday
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Just a bush.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.