Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
You Might Also Like
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Autocorrect completely socks
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!