Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
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8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Happy Caturday!
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.