Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.

Me *should have

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A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life


“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower


You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice


In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super


Boss: What’s for lunch?
Me: Food.
B: What kind of food?
M: The kind you eat.
B: …
M: …
B: …
Me: You hired me. This is your fault.


Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.


Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’


My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.


my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices