@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.

Me *should have

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@wholemik

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

@hereholddeez

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@economybacon

Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse

“You mean Centaur, right?”

Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.