anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.
Me *should have
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
I’m just sayin’
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse
“You mean Centaur, right?”
Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.