One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
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doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
“HELP WITH CAT”