Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

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Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.


On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they’ll want me to remove my socks?*. I don’t know what he thinks is about to happen.


What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.


one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell



“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”


So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?


He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.


I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend


Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really