@DaddyWithTwins

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

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@hg47

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

@mstluvstrinkets

On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they’ll want me to remove my socks?*. I don’t know what he thinks is about to happen.

@Desert_Musings

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

@crushingbort

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell

@liv_thatsme

Overheard:

“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”

@Vice_Queen

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

@Jay_FrickinLynn

He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.

@AndyRichter

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

@steeve_again

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really