Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer

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She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.


I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.


Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife


[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car


America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*


It’s been so inspiring to see our country come together over the past few months and refuse to use facebook stories


Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.


My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪


People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.