[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You Might Also Like
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold