@MrsJekyllsHyde

Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer

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@iGreenMonk

She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.

@jjax44

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

@DaddyJew

Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife

@david8hughes

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

@tone765

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

@KevinFarzad

It’s been so inspiring to see our country come together over the past few months and refuse to use facebook stories

@vladchoc

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

@RoyalThough

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

@NervousJr

People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.