Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
#inspiration #foodforthought
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.